....as I thus get down to my right size and stature, my self-concern and importance become amusing.
Then faith grows that I do have a place on this Highway; that I can advance upon it with deepening peace and confidence.
Once more I know that God is good; that I need fear no evil.
This is a great gift, this knowledge that I do have a destiny.....
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Saturday, September 16, 2006
bubbling under the surface
"....if I commit suicide, it will not be to destroy myself but to put myself back together again. Suicide will be for me only one means of violently reconquering myself, of brutally invading my being, of anticipating the unpredictable approaches of God. By suicide, I reintroduce my design in nature, I shall for the first time give things the shape of my will." -Antonin Artaud
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Woman dies after jumping off bridge
Scott Cousins Of the Suburban Journals
Granite City Press Record
08/30/2006
The death of a St. Louis woman Sunday afternoon after she ran away from an auto accident on Interstate 270 is still under investigation by the Madison County Coroner's Office and the Illinois State Police. Elizabeth R. Pagan, 38, of the 11500 block of Craig Court, St. Louis, reportedly jumped off the I-270 Canal Bridge after her vehicle struck a flat-bed tow truck in the eastbound lanes of the highway. According to Madison County Coroner Steve Nonn, Pagan's family told authorities she had a long history of mental illness. The incident began just before 5 p.m. Sunday, when Pagan's eastbound 1999 Chevy Blazer ran into the back of the tow truck.
According to witnesses, Pagan got out of her vehicle and ran west in the east-bound lanes, then jumped over the bridge railing to the pavement approximately 75 feet below, striking Old Rock Road about three-fourths of a mile north of West Chain of Rocks Road in Granite City. Witnesses said that before jumping, Pagan did not respond to offers of assistance from others or say anything. Pagan was pronounced dead of multiple traumatic injuries by Madison County Coroner's Investigator Deborah B. Von Nida.
The cause of death was "multiple traumatic injuries." An autopsy was scheduled for Monday, and an inquest will be held after toxicology and other reports are available.
Granite City Press Record
08/30/2006
The death of a St. Louis woman Sunday afternoon after she ran away from an auto accident on Interstate 270 is still under investigation by the Madison County Coroner's Office and the Illinois State Police. Elizabeth R. Pagan, 38, of the 11500 block of Craig Court, St. Louis, reportedly jumped off the I-270 Canal Bridge after her vehicle struck a flat-bed tow truck in the eastbound lanes of the highway. According to Madison County Coroner Steve Nonn, Pagan's family told authorities she had a long history of mental illness. The incident began just before 5 p.m. Sunday, when Pagan's eastbound 1999 Chevy Blazer ran into the back of the tow truck.
According to witnesses, Pagan got out of her vehicle and ran west in the east-bound lanes, then jumped over the bridge railing to the pavement approximately 75 feet below, striking Old Rock Road about three-fourths of a mile north of West Chain of Rocks Road in Granite City. Witnesses said that before jumping, Pagan did not respond to offers of assistance from others or say anything. Pagan was pronounced dead of multiple traumatic injuries by Madison County Coroner's Investigator Deborah B. Von Nida.
The cause of death was "multiple traumatic injuries." An autopsy was scheduled for Monday, and an inquest will be held after toxicology and other reports are available.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Kyle Herrman could not stop thinking about the desperate stranger.
He cried for her.
He prayed for her.
Yet he didn't even know her name. All he knew was the 23-year-old woman jumped off the Jamieson Avenue overpass and landed on Interstate 44 just feet from his car. "If she had come crashing through my windshield and hurt me, maybe I would be angry," said Herrman, 31, of Kirkwood. "But I can't help but feel sympathy for her."
The woman survived. As doctors tended her broken bones this week, Herrman tended his own wounds from witnessing such a traumatic event. He talked with his pastor. He hugged his family. But mostly he prayed. "I feel grateful that I was involved so that I could pray for her," Herrman said. "My anger is more against the evil in this world that would cause her to make this decision." Experts say suicide attempts are rarely witnessed - especially by strangers. Yet in the St. Louis area this week, strangers watched three times as people tried to take their lives.
One leapt from a bridge Tuesday, one jumped in front of a train Wednesday and one shot himself on a busy highway Thursday. The people who saw them may be in as much danger of emotional trauma just as loved ones left behind, mental health experts like Joseph M. Rothberg say. "A successful suicide is actually a failed cry for help," said Rothberg, who studied suicide with the Walter Reed Army Institute of Research. "It's hard to construct a rational explanation for an irrational behavior," he said. "But some may make a suicidal gesture in a public way in hopes they will be saved." A study Rothberg published in 1994 found that only about 4 percent of the suicides studied had been witnessed.
The woman who survived the fall from the Jamieson Avenue overpass about lunchtime Thursday told paramedics she suffered from mental illness, Herrman said. Early the next morning, a transient woman, 39, who disappeared from a Washington hospital two months ago, threw herself in front of a moving MetroLink train near the University of Missouri at St. Louis. She also survived, but doctors told police she may never recover from a serious head injury. Late Thursday night, a 26-year-old man crashed his car on Interstate 55 in St. Louis and then shot himself to death in front of witnesses trying to aid him, police said. The man, a police officer for the Department of Veterans Affairs, was driving south near Loughborough Avenue when his car sideswiped at least one other vehicle and then crashed into the concrete median. He got out and spoke to the other driver and witnesses. Then he got back into the car, turned up the radio and shot himself in the head.
Witnesses might suffer if they don't tend their own emotional needs, said Steve Estopare of the Mental Health Association of Greater St. Louis. "People will experience disbelief and shock. Flashbacks may become very vivid. "Witnesses should seek counseling if only to talk through feelings, he said. Estopare also suggests that a witness should engage in some way with the person who attempted a suicide, to show the act did not go unnoticed. "Don't leave with no words said," he said. "Say, 'I just saw you try to take your life.' Tell them what's going on. I'm here to help. Keep it very simple."
He cried for her.
He prayed for her.
Yet he didn't even know her name. All he knew was the 23-year-old woman jumped off the Jamieson Avenue overpass and landed on Interstate 44 just feet from his car. "If she had come crashing through my windshield and hurt me, maybe I would be angry," said Herrman, 31, of Kirkwood. "But I can't help but feel sympathy for her."
The woman survived. As doctors tended her broken bones this week, Herrman tended his own wounds from witnessing such a traumatic event. He talked with his pastor. He hugged his family. But mostly he prayed. "I feel grateful that I was involved so that I could pray for her," Herrman said. "My anger is more against the evil in this world that would cause her to make this decision." Experts say suicide attempts are rarely witnessed - especially by strangers. Yet in the St. Louis area this week, strangers watched three times as people tried to take their lives.
One leapt from a bridge Tuesday, one jumped in front of a train Wednesday and one shot himself on a busy highway Thursday. The people who saw them may be in as much danger of emotional trauma just as loved ones left behind, mental health experts like Joseph M. Rothberg say. "A successful suicide is actually a failed cry for help," said Rothberg, who studied suicide with the Walter Reed Army Institute of Research. "It's hard to construct a rational explanation for an irrational behavior," he said. "But some may make a suicidal gesture in a public way in hopes they will be saved." A study Rothberg published in 1994 found that only about 4 percent of the suicides studied had been witnessed.
The woman who survived the fall from the Jamieson Avenue overpass about lunchtime Thursday told paramedics she suffered from mental illness, Herrman said. Early the next morning, a transient woman, 39, who disappeared from a Washington hospital two months ago, threw herself in front of a moving MetroLink train near the University of Missouri at St. Louis. She also survived, but doctors told police she may never recover from a serious head injury. Late Thursday night, a 26-year-old man crashed his car on Interstate 55 in St. Louis and then shot himself to death in front of witnesses trying to aid him, police said. The man, a police officer for the Department of Veterans Affairs, was driving south near Loughborough Avenue when his car sideswiped at least one other vehicle and then crashed into the concrete median. He got out and spoke to the other driver and witnesses. Then he got back into the car, turned up the radio and shot himself in the head.
Witnesses might suffer if they don't tend their own emotional needs, said Steve Estopare of the Mental Health Association of Greater St. Louis. "People will experience disbelief and shock. Flashbacks may become very vivid. "Witnesses should seek counseling if only to talk through feelings, he said. Estopare also suggests that a witness should engage in some way with the person who attempted a suicide, to show the act did not go unnoticed. "Don't leave with no words said," he said. "Say, 'I just saw you try to take your life.' Tell them what's going on. I'm here to help. Keep it very simple."
Friday, August 25, 2006
...Officer kills himself in front of witnesses....
By Heather Ratcliffe
ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH 08/25/2006
Moments after a federal police officer crashed his car on Interstate 55 in St. Louis, he shot himself to death in front of the witnesses trying to aid him, police said. The man, 26, was driving south on the interstate near Loughborough Avenue when his car sideswiped at least one other vehicle and then crashed.
He got out of the car and spoke to the other driver and witnesses who had stopped to help.
Then he got back into the car, turned up the radio and shot himself in the head. The man worked as a federal police officer for the Department of Veteran Affairs in St. Louis.
He was recently discharged from the United States Marine Corps, authorities said.
St. Louis police recovered a .40 caliber pistol from his car.
ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH 08/25/2006
Moments after a federal police officer crashed his car on Interstate 55 in St. Louis, he shot himself to death in front of the witnesses trying to aid him, police said. The man, 26, was driving south on the interstate near Loughborough Avenue when his car sideswiped at least one other vehicle and then crashed.
He got out of the car and spoke to the other driver and witnesses who had stopped to help.
Then he got back into the car, turned up the radio and shot himself in the head. The man worked as a federal police officer for the Department of Veteran Affairs in St. Louis.
He was recently discharged from the United States Marine Corps, authorities said.
St. Louis police recovered a .40 caliber pistol from his car.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Following the Fish
...I know that I know where this journal is supposed to go, for my brain has beaten this path many times before. I've murdered those previous incarnations and this is my clean slate...
..something anonymous, something true... a tale with no ending....
It's how you get there, anywhere, that's the real story worth telling.
..something anonymous, something true... a tale with no ending....
It's how you get there, anywhere, that's the real story worth telling.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
..stand still, look pretty...
I wanna paint my face and pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up I don't even wanna look at myself
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me and I have to say I wish I could start over
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty
Sometimes I find myself shaking in the middle of the night
And when it hits me I can't even believe this is my life
But people have problems that are worse than mine
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths
I'm not strong enough to deal with you
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty
lyrics by J. Harp, M. Branch
Sometimes I get so fed up I don't even wanna look at myself
But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me and I have to say I wish I could start over
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty
Sometimes I find myself shaking in the middle of the night
And when it hits me I can't even believe this is my life
But people have problems that are worse than mine
And I wish that everyone would go and shut their mouths
I'm not strong enough to deal with you
I am slowly falling apart
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty
lyrics by J. Harp, M. Branch
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